Things left unsaid.
I don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the motivation for this note.
You died tragically not too long ago and immediately I was inundated with grief. It’s so weird. You and I were super cool. We hung out and talked frequently, then all of a sudden we just kind of stopped talking like our vibe just disconnected. Outside of the obligatory social media correspondence, and obligatory ‘happy birthday (if i remembered to check facebook that day),’ we hadn’t had a meaningful conversation in a long while. I even unfollowed you on some pages because I just kinda got tired of seeing you on my newsfeed. I needed something fresh.
But when the news came in that you had fallen off a boat and drowned only to have your body found more than a day later, I was speechless. I was…I was ANGRY!
I was in the middle of a conversation, holding my god daughter and couldn’t speak for a good 5 minutes.
It brought thoughts of all the things left unsaid between us. And I was JUST thinking about you too. I said to myself that I was going to reach out to you, but constantly forgot.
A part of me is still grieving.
I’m still grieving, but maybe this note will quell my constant thoughts of death and the meaning of life and how cyclical it all is. One life ending, another just getting started.
Now I think about all the things left unsaid with everyone I used to be close to! But still think about. Would I want to die or be stricken by the death of someone I love or used to love and feel guilt for having never told them things on my heart?
So here goes, this is to you:
I hate how it all ended. It left me slapped with the taste still in my mouth. I was blindsided. I was stuck with the belief that you’d always be there, just a mere phone call away. It left me mourning your loss.
How do you go from being a staple in someone’s life to fading away like a stranger? How do you go from caring for a person to caring less about them? How do you go from loving someone to loathing them. Hating them so much that you can’t bare to look at even a picture of them? Maybe you don’t hate them, but seeing them brings to mind too many memories too fast — ranging from the birth to the death of that relationship.
It’s just too sad sometimes.
I force myself to hate you because I love you too much. I ignore you because it’s easier. The memories of what once was is too hard to bear and you simply just faded away.
I care for you and have love for you and smile at the memories we once shared, you know, because it was deeper than that. Maybe our season HAS ended. I firmly believe that if you’re gone from my life, then it is God’s will. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll see each other again some day.
But for now, it’s time for us to say goodbye.
So, goodbye old friend. I wish you well.
I forgive you and wish you success on all of your endeavors and beyond. I’ll never forget what you meant to me and for that I thank you.
I wish you love and happiness.
I love you.
I wish you peace.
P.S. God IS the funniest comedian.
To Jeneé. RIP.